Coming of Age (FINAL DRAFT)

     School used to be one of the loneliest places I've been to, always feeling like the lowest student in existence. Whether that feeling was true or not, I was an introvert from the start, and barely reached out to any more than several people. Reaching out to people was like trying to touch a cactus, and I  always receded. By seventh grade, my range of friends was no more than a small group I spent little time with. At that point, I was willing to call myself a forgotten loner. All the friends I had were in other groups, and I only talked to them during those short moments available. My parents would constantly ask me about how many friends I had and tell me to make more friends, which made me exclude myself from the other people I happen to be around. From there, I constantly told myself I couldn't be friends with other people because they would never noticed me or have ever cared about me. I tested a couple experiments by writing on the board to see if people would read it and therefore notice me. Some people did, but that was the minority of the target group.
     I spent a lot of time secluding myself from groups and straying away from anyone but the friends I trusted and try to see everyday at school. I constantly put thoughts in my head of suddenly disappearing and no one giving a thought about me. When they would realize that I wasn't there, I'd imagine guilt and sadness in everyone's heart because of how I was ignored. Imagining that was one of the few things that somehow kept me going. Looking back, it's ironic of my actions and why I claimed no one noticed me, considering I didn't reach out to people when I should have if I wanted people to know I'm there. However, knowing how introverted I was, it was no wonder I thought that way.
     In eighth grade, nothing much changed. I had the same people I interacted with, the same people I stayed away from, and the same mindset that kept me going. A few months into that school year, our class had a retreat, which was supposed to help us grow closer together and continue our growth as leaders and preparation for life. I had little hopes for whatever would change between me and the people around me, so I expected little outcomes of the retreat. However, the retreat surprised me.
     At first, I was still being the excluded person by my own choice. We were put in different groups for different activities, talking and working and laughing together, which I joined in. Regardless, I mentioned loudly how I was constantly ignored several times. Saying that was my pride, getting the attention I thought I never got as a person. That ended up firing back at me hours later.
     Later that night, one of the retreat leaders reminded me how I said I wanted people to notice me, and said everyone already does, whether I see it or not. He said I was never invisible, and instead I turned away from people. I was simply putting myself away from everyone myself. After that talk, the whole class crowded into a group for singing. One of my classmates motioned for me to come together with them, which surprised me. He said I was always a friend to them, never invisible, and everyone knew I was there. I felt like crying and smiling at the same time, and my heart hurt like someone was pressing it into the ground. I was wrong the whole time about being visible. I can't remember how long I smiled or cried.
     The sad thing was that it was eighth grade, the year I was going to say goodbye to everyone. Had I learned that lesson earlier, I would have had a more positive attitude. I would have been happier and smiled more because every day would have looked bright with so many friends. Instead I spent those years crawling into a corner and watching as everyone passed by. Regardless, that lesson was kept in my mind, and I wouldn't forget it. Going into my later school years, I was still shy around people, but when I got used to my surroundings I was able to make a few friends by being more outgoing and talking more to others.