School used to be one of the loneliest places I've been to, always feeling like the lowest student in existence. Whether that feeling was true or not, I was an introvert from the start, and barely reached out to any more than several people. Reaching out to people was like trying to touch a cactus, and I always receded. By seventh grade, my range of friends was no more than a small group I spent little time with. At that point, I was willing to call myself a forgotten loner. All the friends I had were in other groups, and I only talked to them during those short moments available. My parents would constantly ask me about how many friends I had and tell me to make more friends, which made me exclude myself from the other people I happen to be around. From there, I constantly told myself I couldn't be friends with other people because they would never noticed me or have ever cared about me. I tested a couple experiments by writing on the board to see if people would read it and therefore notice me. Some people did, but that was the minority of the target group.
I spent a lot of time secluding myself from groups and straying away from anyone but the friends I trusted and try to see everyday at school. I constantly put thoughts in my head of suddenly disappearing and no one giving a thought about me. When they would realize that I wasn't there, I'd imagine guilt and sadness in everyone's heart because of how I was ignored. Imagining that was one of the few things that somehow kept me going. Looking back, it's ironic of my actions and why I claimed no one noticed me, considering I didn't reach out to people when I should have if I wanted people to know I'm there. However, knowing how introverted I was, it was no wonder I thought that way.
In eighth grade, nothing much changed. I had the same people I interacted with, the same people I stayed away from, and the same mindset that kept me going. A few months into that school year, our class had a retreat, which was supposed to help us grow closer together and continue our growth as leaders and preparation for life. I had little hopes for whatever would change between me and the people around me, so I expected little outcomes of the retreat. However, the retreat surprised me.
At first, I was still being the excluded person by my own choice. We were put in different groups for different activities, talking and working and laughing together, which I joined in. Regardless, I mentioned loudly how I was constantly ignored several times. Saying that was my pride, getting the attention I thought I never got as a person. That ended up firing back at me hours later.
Later that night, one of the retreat leaders reminded me how I said I wanted people to notice me, and said everyone already does, whether I see it or not. He said I was never invisible, and instead I turned away from people. I was simply putting myself away from everyone myself. After that talk, the whole class crowded into a group for singing. One of my classmates motioned for me to come together with them, which surprised me. He said I was always a friend to them, never invisible, and everyone knew I was there. I felt like crying and smiling at the same time, and my heart hurt like someone was pressing it into the ground. I was wrong the whole time about being visible. I can't remember how long I smiled or cried.
The sad thing was that it was eighth grade, the year I was going to say goodbye to everyone. Had I learned that lesson earlier, I would have had a more positive attitude. I would have been happier and smiled more because every day would have looked bright with so many friends. Instead I spent those years crawling into a corner and watching as everyone passed by. Regardless, that lesson was kept in my mind, and I wouldn't forget it. Going into my later school years, I was still shy around people, but when I got used to my surroundings I was able to make a few friends by being more outgoing and talking more to others.
